| Dealing with Difficult People |
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In every job you will, from time to time, have to deal with difficult people.
Conflict is a necessary part of working. Conflict that is managed, such as at a
meeting, can help to move a company forward or help to create new ideas. The
conflict created by dealing with other people’s difficult behavior can be
very counterproductive and stressful.
‘Difficult’ means different things to different people. Just because
one person finds a colleague difficult, doesn’t mean that everyone will
struggle with that same colleague. It could be a clash of two personalities.
These types of people can be unpredictable and their difficult behavior tends
to be frequent. Even the briefest of encounters with these people can leave you
feeling stressed, angry, or invalidated.
When you stand up and face these problems, your self-esteem will be boosted,
your stress minimized and you will feel in control of your life. Taking
positive action will help you to be more in control around these people.
The worst thing you can do is to ignore these difficult situations. They will
invariably get worse the more you ignore them, until they eventually get
completely out of control. It may help to identify initially what a difficult
person is.
Types of Difficult People
There are many types of difficult people. Here are a few of the more common ones
that you may encounter.
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Aggressive Hostility
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Know It All
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Attention Seekers
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Silent Types
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Stealth Aggressive
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Negative
Aggressive hostility
With this type of person, you really need to stand up to them assertively.
Being hostile and aggressive back to them will inflame the
situation. Often, the aggression they show is a defence mechanism due to the
fact that they expect to be hurt. It is their anticipation of any
‘danger’ that you may present them with that causes them to become
hostile and aggressive. Perhaps they may have simply misinterpreted your words
and this has triggered their aggression or hostility. Some people don’t
even realise they are behaving in this way.
Solution
Try to diffuse potentially explosive situations. Don’t try to fight with
them – it will only make things worse. Once the person has calmed down,
point out how their behavior makes you feel in a non attacking way. You may
find that they become more aware of their behavior and start to try and control
it.
Know it all
These people seek security and respect. They have an air of authority, which
could lead them to having a sense of power. They elevate themselves by thinking
they know more than everybody else and this gives them a false sense of being
better than everyone else. They can be very believable and consider themselves
to be always right. This type of person may have a condescending or arrogant
attitude and may also make you feel small or stupid.
Solution
Don’t try to challenge them with your own expertise. As far as they are
concerned, they know it all so this line of approach will fail. Try to get them
to consider other people’s views in a way that doesn’t directly
challenge their perceived authority. If you are intending to discuss something
with them, make sure you have all your facts to hand. Don’t discuss in
vague or general terms or they will dismiss you.
Attention seekers
These are people that tend to direct the conversation towards themselves. They
constantly seek attention, praise, or recognition. Everybody likes to be
recognised for their achievements, but this type of person can take things too
far. It is only natural to discuss issues or problems with friends and
colleagues but this needs to be a give and take arrangement. Have you ever
bumped into a colleague in the corridor and whenever you ask them how their day
is, they constantly respond with ‘could be better’ or something
similar, challenging you to ask ‘why?’ Or how about the person who
runs off a list of all their ailments and problems, without stopping for a
minute to ask how you are? Then there is the type of person who takes over the
conversation and uses other people’s problems and misfortunes as a
platform to launch their own issues from.
Solution
Try asking them for their help with a problem you are having. This will take the
focus off them and make them focus on other people. If they try to use it to
discuss their own problems, firmly bring the focus back on to you. It is
important to consider why they are attention seeking. Is it that they are not
getting the recognition they deserve, or perhaps they are going through a rough
patch in their personal life? They may just need someone to listen. On the
other hand they may only be able to feel secure as person if the spotlight is
on them. If they are constantly interrupting conversations and try to take
over, say something like “I’d like finish hearing about what Susan
has to say”. If you are interrupted, confidently say, “I appreciate
you have an opinion on this. Please let me finish what I was saying”.
This confronts their behavior publicly and will make them feel very aware of
the fact that they have butted in.
Silent Types
By not responding to situations, these people are limiting potential risks and
increasing their perceived safety. They may use their silence as a weapon
– ignoring people, shrugging shoulders or they may seethe to themselves
silently when angry. There is often a negative atmosphere around these types of
people that can make colleagues feel uncomfortable. Often, these people get
away with this type of behavior because other people struggle to deal with the
inevitable silence when talking to them. People instinctively try to fill the
gaps.
Solution
When dealing with such people, ask open-ended questions. If they don’t
respond to you, ask specific questions pertaining to their silence such as,
‘are you distressed or worried?’ and ask if you have misinterpreted
their responses. Be prepared for “I don’t know”. You need to
try to get them to talk without being too confrontational or invasive. Make
sure you maintain friendly eye contact with the person – this can help in
making them acknowledge you. If the person does start to talk, listen
attentively and encourage them without offering solutions. They may not be a
good communicator and may start talking in very vague terms. Continue to listen
as this may lead to the real issue.
The Stealth Aggressive
This type of person will take every opportunity to attack or take pot shots in a
number of covert ways. They may be sarcastic or ‘jokingly’ put you
down. They may look at you in a certain way, use a condescending tone in their
voice or make fun of you. They may churn out all sorts of innuendoes to make
you feel uncomfortable or put you down. Their behavior can be akin to covert
bullying.
Solution
If you find yourself dealing with this type of person, respond confidently and
directly with a question such as “Are you trying to make fun of
me?” Invariably this kind of person will deny their attack and cover up
their intentions as a ‘harmless’ joke. Whilst they have denied the
attack, your direct approach will potentially reduce chances of their attacks
in the future.
Negative
Negative people are always complaining about their jobs/boss/co-workers/life.
It’s more than someone just having a bad day. They are down on everything
and feel as though they have little control over their own lives. There are
many reasons as to why they have a negative outlook, but frankly this is not
your problem. Their negative attitude may also lead to resentment and even
anger.
Solution
It is very difficult to try to stop people being negative. Try to avoid spending
time with negative co-workers as much as possible. If you do find yourself in
the company of one, don’t allow yourself to be drawn in to being an
audience for their negativity. You need to set limits for yourself. If the
person complains directly to you, tell them that you enjoy your job and focus
on positive things. Encourage them to talk to their line manager.
Whatever these difficult people throw at you, you need to take steps to realise
that in most cases, their behavior is often not personally directed at you.
Don’t take it too personally; generally these people are not deliberately
trying to irritate us. Whether we find a person difficult has a lot to do with
our own individual level of tolerance. You can become a more tolerant person by
trying to better understand these difficult people and what motivates them to
behave in such a way. Don’t try to change them or play them at there own
game. This will make you just as bad as they are.
If you view a colleague as a difficult person, ask yourself whether they really
are consistently difficult, or are they just having a bad day, week, or month?
It may be that something is happening in their life that is affecting their
attitude towards work and other people.
Try to be more accepting of who they are. Look at the situation objectively.
When you realise that you had nothing to do with the way they behaved, you are
less likely to view their behavior as a personal attack. If you choose to
confront the person regarding their behavior, try to pick a time when neither
you nor they are stressed. Try to do it on neutral ground.
Difficult people will expect you to respond in a certain way. Break the mould
and do what they least expect. For example if your boss talks down to you,
don’t just sit there and say nothing. He will take this as an acceptance
of his criticism and this will give him the impression that he can talk to you
like that whenever he wants.
It may be that you are able to improve your relationship with such people, but
if this doesn’t work, try to avoid contact with the person that is
causing you problems.
It is your choice whether you wish to interact with these people.
Choose whether to engage
Engaging with difficult people can be a very time consuming and
stressful enterprise. You need to ask yourself whether it is worth it.
Try to confront and learn to better handle the people that are making your life
a misery. However, if the difficult circumstances continue and you allow it to
affect you, you can do an enormous amount of damage to yourself, especially
from the stress of the situation. In some
cases, you are better to withdraw from the situation by avoiding or minimising
your contact with the offending person. If all else fails, in more extreme
cases, it may be beneficial to your health if you move to another department or
even change jobs. |